When I was in high school I did speed. During class with my buddy Malcolm. I remember feeling giddy and a bit nervous, we were still in class, seated at our desks. But soon after those sensations were gone there's was nothing else. Not an urge to experiment and try drugs again. But I did have my bouts with booze. We were at a pool party, me and my high school gal at the time. I can't really remember what I consumed, but it gave me a feeling of elation and numbness at the same time. My silly behavior soon became loud and annoying and soon I was jelly in my gal's hands. I repeated the phrase "Help me, help me." Prophetic words.
I shared "speed," experience with my Dad because since I was walking I always went to AA meetings with him. I asked him if I was an alcoholic/addict, he calmly replied, "No." I will never forget that moment. In this realm, I see my Father as the wisest of men, a valued resource and the best corner man one could ever have.
Since I've started this journey the number one question I get asked is if I'm an alcoholic. hands down, no, I am not. But that being said and being totally honest, the way I'm emotionally wired, any added substance is just plain suicide. I have a voracious need to be wanted, loved and validated. I thought the cure was through the lives of others. I had to have their constant approval. As I have stated before, booze, sex and approval was all that mattered. So Paul, are you an alcoholic? Perhaps, not.
Sobriety has been a valuable tool for me. It's another mechanism that continues to cleanse my heart. I get to emotionally step out of the shadows and not be afraid to be honest with who I am everyday. Martial Arts, prayer and good friendships has also been amazing tools as well. I have cherry picked from AA's 12 steps; integrating them into my spiritual beliefs. I have no problem admitting to God that my addiction is loneliness. Whether I have a drink or not, I'm still completely powerless over these feelings of hopelessness. So am I an Alcoholic? I don't think, maybe, perhaps. It's clear to me that it's way too early to have an answer. In time I will have a better understanding of my condition and relationship with alcohol. But for today, I'm not gonna drink. I would love to. I miss happy hours and socially meeting up with people for a round. But those days are gone and need to stay in the past.
When I was a teenage boy who had his first drinks I asked for help. If these words I write and that you read can somehow help you, young or old men, then there is a higher purpose to my sobriety. I have in fact read to my wonderful girlfriend today some word of Hafiz.
I am completely grateful to the Lord for getting to this 7th month mark. If feels good, really god. So Paul, are you an alcoholic? I just may be. See you on down the road.