It's Lent and one of the commitments I have made is reading a 53-day, daily devotional and scripture. I admit, I go in and out of scripture as a whole, letting the Pastor transcribe if you will what" the word," means to me in my daily life. I have to first make it to church. Which when my attendance is poor, I would get no Bible learning at all. So this Lent has been really important to my faith and knowledge of my religion's history.
Today's reading resonated with me."Give us the faith to ask for your help and the humility to receive it on your terms." Often I get in the way of my faith. My impatience trips my trust in God and leads me to dark fearful days. The idea that there are certain things in life that are completely out of my hands is terrifying. That only my faith in God and his keeping, will set me free and thus all will be fine has been a major struggle at times for me. I don't want to ask for help, I don't want to be humble. I want to do it all on my own in a brash and bombastic way, so all will remember and be in awe. It has to be on my terms right? And if it's not, then the bottle, the women and the praise from people will validate my existence. I have faith in me, and me is all I need. This was my thinking for many, many years.
When I was living with my ex-GF many years ago I would tend to the front and back yards of her property. In the front lived many hackberry trees along the fence line. Ugly and useless I had to chop them down so the other proper trees could grow healthy. The thing is these hackberry trees attracted so many beautiful butterflies that I would sit in the shade in wonder just watching them float and leave, float and leave. I was so distraught over the fact that when all the hackberry trees would be cut down, the butterflies would leave and never return. I was also convinced that one in particular was the soul of my lost daughter that did not make it out of the first trimester. In our collective grief and counsel we named her Fe, or Faith. Faith is my daughter whose soul floated and left, floated and left.
I was so convince and full of self righteousness that the news of her impending arrival was God's gift for all the struggles I had recently gone through. God knew what an amazing Father I would be so he was simply rewarding me, right? Wrong. I was clearly not ready and not humbled enough to be joyful for whatever gifts God wanted to give me on any day. When I went to work on those trees I would see Faith float around, looking in on her Father no doubt, making sure I was learning my lesson of letting it all go and letting God keep me. As time went by, I got it and I would say I've done my very best to lead an honest life that she would be proud of. Weather table scrapes for us gentiles or a wonderful new relationship in current bloom, God has kept me and as the Pastor says, "God see you for what you will be, not for what you were."
Amen and see you on road the of Butterflies were they dance and play, where they float and leave, float and leave.