It's absolutely tranquil this Austin cloudy morning. The sound of Jimi's guitar rings out of my lap top, as sip coffee on the front porch. The extremes of both exposes my gentle fears of my sobriety. Yes, I am six months sober. Yes, it feels great to reach this mark and yes I have seen some wonderful changes in my life and health. But I'm honestly at this moment completely terrified and I just want a drink. I want to be able to celebrate my sobriety with a shot of Corralejo Tequila and Model Especial beer chaser.
The truth about my sobriety is that on good day, which have been alot, I want to drink. On bad days, I want to drink more. From the taste to the relaxing sensation it brings, drinking was always my coat of arms not only with people but myself. So the thought of me facing me sober was nonsense. Typing and deleting ideas and thoughts on this just shows how my head spins off when thinking about life now without that liquid aide.
I have put up photos and posts at the 30, 60 and 90 day marks. Smiling and confident as I announced my sobriety with cocky confidence. But I like the one I took today. Half awake yet with a smile, that's what my sobriety feels like. A marathon of new insights and body blows that has left me drowsy. Yet this awareness of my state leaves me in a constant joy. Yeah it's all there on my face, the desires to drink, escape to the old me and the haunts I use to dwell, yet there is something more. The desire to stay honest. Instant revelation in typing those words as at the heart of this dizzy journey, thats really what not drinking means to me. I get to be frightfully honest with myself. I rise, pray, read the word. I get to video poems to my girlfriend. I get to make my own food and eat. I get to work. I get to love my family and friends. I get to fail. I get to do all the things we do under the sun without touching a drop.
Until I no longer walk this earth, I get to wake up, do it all over again with gratitude and fear. I want to thank my friend Kristin for the initial challenge and my Mother for the talk to continue this walk. I know I would not have what I have if I kept drinking and drowning. See you on dow the road.